Wrong Notes
“I am the LORD your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go.” — Isaiah 48:17 NIV
God can turn anything into a life lesson. A recent piano playing experience was one such lesson for me. First, I should give you a little backstory. I’m not really sure why, but I have always struggled with performance anxiety when it comes to playing piano. I grew up taking piano lessons and learned to play at what I would consider a decent level by the time I was in college. I don’t recall any traumatic piano playing experience; I wasn’t booed off the stage or anything like that. But I always dreaded recitals and playing in front of people. I was afraid of messing up, like somehow the world would end when I played a wrong note. Singing was much easier, and I felt like I could cover up a singing mistake much more easily. So, I did the only logical thing…I quit playing. Ok, not exactly logical, but at the time it seemed like the best solution to solving my piano performance anxiety. (My apologies to my piano teachers!) I plunked out some notes here and there when I needed to learn a vocal part or teach a part, but I stopped spending time practicing the skill of actually playing piano.
Around ten years later, a few things began to point to needing that skill, until one day, I heard God whisper it’s time to get over that (fear of playing in public). Not in a callous or condescending way, but in an ‘I know what’s coming and you’re going to need this’ way. And need it, I did. And I wished I hadn’t taken such a long hiatus from playing. The saying “If you don’t use it, you lose it” definitely seemed to be true in this case. (Feel free to use this blog as a cautionary tale with young people you know who might be contemplating quitting an instrument).
In God’s kindness, at that time I was serving in a ministry that was willing to let me try to move past the fear. I started with accompanying myself on special music. After all, if I messed up the piano part, I wouldn’t throw off a whole group. It was still stressful though. Fast forward five years from then, and I would be leading worship every Sunday from the keyboard; proof, I think, that God has a sense of humor. Playing was still stressful for me for a while, and the fear of messing up and playing wrong notes was still very real. Over time, I got a little more comfortable, and I felt like I could at least cover up wrong, or “bonus,” notes with my singing voice. And, as the worship director, I could pick arrangements that fit my skill level or practice a song for as long I needed before it was added to the schedule, and most of the time, I was ad-libbing from chord charts which I found a little easier.
Recently, I’ve had the opportunity to accompany others, playing more “real” piano parts. For me, this is a more challenging skill, since I have done this less in my return to playing. A few weeks ago, the piano-anxiety returned at a level that I really hoped I had left behind. That Sunday, after playing a few more “bonus notes” than I could shake off, I had a conversation with God during the beginning of the sermon. It went something like this: ‘God, I think maybe this is just too hard for me. I feel like I’m messing up worship when I mess up. I feel like I’m letting you and everyone else down.’ God gently reminded me that he asked me to be obedient, not perfect. He called me to serve, and I shouldn’t give up on that just because I might make mistakes.
When they arrived, Samuel saw Eliab and thought, “Surely the Lord’s anointed stands here before the Lord.” But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” —1 Samuel 16:6-7 NIV
That day, God reminded me that he was more interested in my heart posture and willingness to follow him than perfection. This got me thinking: how many times do we feel like we have to have it all figured out or do everything right before God can use us? How many times does the fear of not getting it “right” keep us from following where God is leading? There’s a saying: God doesn’t call the equipped, he equips the called. God looks at the heart. He is looking for his children to be willing to accept his invitation to follow, trust, and go deeper into relationship with him. God is asking for our ‘yes;’ he’s not asking us to already know what to do or how to do it perfectly.
Sing to Him a new song; Play skillfully with a shout of joy. —Psalm 33:3 NKJV
Now, I feel like it is important to pause a moment and say a few words about worldly excellence versus godly excellence. Jonathan Welch defines these terms like this: “Worldly excellence is greatness measured by extraordinary accomplishments,” and “godly excellence is greatness measured by extraordinary stewardship.” I recommend reading his blog for more about this, and some practical tips for pursuing godly excellence. If you’re like me, you want to do everything to your best ability, especially as we use our gifts for the Lord. The Bible does say “play skillfully” after all. But this verse doesn’t say “play skillfully or fail completely.” No, it is an exhortation to do the best we can because God deserves our best effort.
I think the enemy often tries to derail our attempts to do our best and work towards godly excellence by convincing us that godly excellence equals perfection. That simply isn’t the case, and perfection isn’t what the Lord requires. In her blog, “Pursuing Excellence vs. Striving for Perfection: What the Bible Teaches Us,” Dr. Michelle Bengtson shares some great wisdom on this:
“At its core, perfectionism is inwardly focused. It centers on proving ourselves and our worth based on the results we achieve. It’s driven by fear of failure and rejection. But excellence is outwardly focused. It is the desire to honor God and serve others with our gifts and abilities, regardless of the outcome.”
“Perfectionism blinds us to the fact that God’s grace is enough for us, even in our imperfection. The pursuit of perfection often leads to striving in our own strength rather than trusting in God’s grace. It focuses on what we lack rather than what we’ve been freely given through Christ.”
I think it is important to work towards eliminating the fear of failure; after all, God has not given us a spirit of fear (2 Tim. 1:7) and God’s perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18). But we don’t need to approach it from a place of trying to “do better” or be perfect to impress God or earn his love. We should focus on working toward godly excellence as another way to worship God. Our God is so great and so worthy, we want to honor him by trying to do our best and steward well the gifts he has given us. Again, it is about our heart posture, not pressure and perfection.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. —2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV
We never find out exactly what the “thorn” is that Paul describes in 2 Corinthians 12:7. A quick Google search, and you’ll find various educated guesses from a variety of Bible scholars. Paul says he was given this thorn to keep him from becoming proud or conceited. No one likes a thorn in one’s side, so naturally Paul pleads with the Lord to take it away. Three times. At which point he hears: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Paul’s reaction is then to boast in his weaknesses gladly, so that Christ’s power may rest on him. This, I believe, is an extremely important lesson for us as Christians. We may find ourselves dealing with things that frustrate us (like performance anxiety), but God, in his great kindness and unfailing love, has developed a system to use them for good. This anxiety has often felt like a thorn in my side. I would much rather be able to sit peacefully at the piano without a care in the world, happily playing without worrying about messing up.
‘Or would I?’—I hear in my spirit as I type.
If I could play (or anything else for that matter) by my own strength, would I actually benefit? Or would I miss an important opportunity for communion with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit? Every time I step out of my comfort zone to follow where God is leading, I have the chance to draw closer, to abide, to stay connected to the vine. I also have the chance to honor God by saying yes even when it’s difficult or scary. I would say all that is worth dealing with that pesky little thorn. Oswald Chambers said: “Faith never knows where it is being led, but it loves and knows the One who is leading.”
So, as I continue to play and stretch my piano skills, I will stop letting perfection or excellence as the world sees it inform my view of success. I will stop letting the enemy tell me I’m not good enough for God to use me. I will recognize that any fear surrounding piano playing is not from the Lord. I will gladly boast in my weakness as I see it so Christ’s power may rest on me, and I will thank God for the opportunity to lean on him with all that I am.
I hope you will do the same, friend. Maybe you have your own area of performance anxiety or fears of inadequacy. Join me on the journey to fearless, godly excellence. Let any “wrong notes” draw you closer to the Father and remind you that he wants your heart, not your performance. Amen.
